Why Do They Look Just Like HIM?

After 36 months of pregnancy, nausea, constipation, weight gain, stretch marks, contractions, labor, body disfigurement, hemorrhoids and other unmentionable side effects — not to mention alcohol and sushi deprivation — 4 out of my 5 kids look nothing like me. The first looks like my husband, the second like my husband’s mother and the twins look like my husband and his brother. What the hell? It isn’t so much I want mini-me’s, as it is the principle of the thing. Why does he get the genetic dominance when all he had to contribute was a few bottles of wine, a couple back rubs and several sperm? Turns out, I can blame my distant neanderthal great grandmothers. Cave women must’ve been a little loose with the morals.

A couple of studies published a decade or so ago support the theory more children look like their fathers. Why? Because our cave great grandfathers didn’t trust those leopard-clad biscuits. If they could recognize the child as their own, they would be more likely to provide for and protect it. At least there is a reason. It’s not a great one since God subsequently invented paternity tests, but it does explain why my third child always seems to get a smaller portion when Dad is dishing out the grub.